Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Whiz Stories, #2


You know that Southwest Airlines commecial where the woman is having trouble with her contact lens, and ducks into the nearest public washroom, fixes her lens and discovers that she's in the men's room?

Last July, I went to visit my friend Andreas in Seattle, where he lives with his wife Lynn. It was not a good time in my life. I'd just been laid off from my teaching job and one of my closest friends had just died a few weeks before. I was, in a word, a wreck. On the flight out there, I had a few glasses of wine.

When I finally got off of the plane in Seattle, I went to the luggage carousel-- I had to go to the washroom, but wanted to get my luggage before I went. I waited for a while in vain; it turned out, as I was to find out, that my luggage had not made it on my plane, and was on the next plane from Chicago, an hour later. Finally, I could take it no more. I went in search of the washroom. I looked and looked, and finally saw the word "men" next to a door. I had not seen it before because of the idiot leaning against it, jawing away on his cell phone.

I ran into the washroom, and frantically searched for the urinals. There were none. What the hell kind of airport was this, with difficult-to-find men's rooms, and no urinals when you found them?

I ducked into a stall and took care of business.

When I left the stall, I turned to find a bevy of women, every one of them holding a little girl's hand, and wearing astonished, angry looks.

I quickly took my leave, and as I got out the door, rushing to get back into the crowded airport terminal before the angry mob of women called security. As I hurried off, I turned to look back and realized that the fucktard on the cell phone had been leaning against the "Wo" of the "Women" sign.

I'm going there again in a week. I promise to take the time to find the Men's room this time.

3 comments:

Dale said...

That's pretty funny and although it's not the ahem, focus of the story, the contact lens mention had impact because of the story I just read about Phil Ochs.

He was known for being frugal and once before a show, he accidentally rubbed a contact lens out of his eye with his shirt sleeve. Then he wiped his mouth with the sleeve and ended up swallowing the lens. He made himself throw up and then searched through until he found it, cleaned it off, popped it in and hit the stage. Hilarious.

Johnny Yen said...

That story really stands out in Ed Sanders' liner notes, doesn't it?

Anon. Blogger said...

If a girl goes in the men's room by mistake the guys laugh. (Yes, I know this from personal experience)

The reverse: anger. I guess we ladies have pent up anger from having to wait in line all the time!